At a Loss

We are all losers. Well, not in the customary sense of the word, but we keep losing things all the time. In the past, I have lost money, pen-drive, ball pens, books, undergarments and an umbrella every monsoon season. Last year was an exception though, as I survived a season without losing one. It was no less than a miracle. I wasn’t so fortunate this year though.

There are number of reasons we lose our items of utility. Sometimes, we keep them at a place, but later come to know that they have mysteriously vanished from there. Sometimes we forget them in the public places. My friend last year forgot his college bag, containing many valuables, in the train and realized it only two hours after he got down. He no more sleeps during local train journey and strictly keeps his bag on the lap. On the other hand, my sister recently lost her 8 GB pen-drive, but is still utterly clueless how.

Forgetting things or things getting misplaced are some of the most common reasons we lose things. But there are better ones too, like that friend of yours who regularly borrows things from you, only to never return them even after reminding thousand times; or that leftist thief who is fighting the noble cause of bridging the gap between haves and have-nots. Two of my friends, who were together in a bus, recently lost their android smartphones on the very first day of their college. How cool is that?

Losing things can be such a painful and frustrating experience. If you really want to know the degree of it, try losing your college ID. You have to go through so many hassles to acquire a new one, starting from filing a FIR, even when you don’t know what the acronym stands for. Losing one’s job is also an absolute no-brainer. But some experiences are exactly opposite of it, like losing one’s virginity, which is such an exciting, emotional and yeah, sexual experience.

Losing things is such a universal experience of the human race that women from any part of the world can have endless conversations on the topic, men can have discussions on it while drinking all night and jobless people like me can blog about it. After all, every one of us have lost so many things in the past and will keep doing so in the future. Cheers!

Land Of Magic (Products)

As a child, whenever I used to get fever, my mom would take me to a person called Krishna baba. Krishna Baba was the bhakt of Lord Parashuram and was said to possess special powers. He had a small room, full of photos and idols of Gods. He would pray to the God and then apply the ash of the incense stick on my forehead. My mother used to believe that this would cure my illness.

India is a land of magic. Here you will find fairness creams which promise to whiten the skin of not only your face, but also your private parts. You will also find belts which give you the figure of Kareena Kapoor, condoms which give the power of a horse (forget about the original purpose you bought it for) and a cold-drink which makes you ultra-smart.

If you want success in life, just apply a fairness cream on your face. And behold, in just seven weeks, you will be on stage receiving an achievement award. My parents and teachers used to tell me, “Beta, if you want success in life, you will have to work hard.” Obviously, they were dead wrong.

In school, I was a very dull student. But I desired to score good marks. Hence before every exam, I used to pray to the God and tell him, “If you pass me with good marks, I will offer you a coconut and a pedha.”

When I grew up, my priorities shifted from marks to girls. But I had observed that my school trick had never worked. I had to find a new trick. And there it was… an ad on TV… of a deodorant which attracts girls. Could I ask for more?

If you want to know more about such products, just switch on your TV. You will be more than proud of your country, India, the magic land!

Mumbai Meri Jaan! No, Not Really

After spending four years in a city like Mumbai, I was more than happy to go back to my native place. After all, I would never have to smell the armpits of people in the over-crowded Mumbai locals and get free massage as well.

If you ask me to choose between the comforts of the city over the tranquility of the countryside, I will always go for the latter. After all, the true happiness lies in staying close to the nature and not living in the concrete jungle. There is no better joy than listening to the unadulterated sound of rain falling on your tiled roof, while sitting beside a window, looking at the great green expanse outside. The rain also looks more beautiful if you see it fall on the hills or in the paddy fields than in the gutters of Mumbai.

The air in countryside is cool and pure. It is not polluted by the farts of Vada-Pav eaters or the vehicles on roads which only keep increasing year-over-year. You are also spared of the incessant noise, created by honking of vehicles or DJs playing Sheila Ki Jawani and Chikni Chameli at the time of Dahi Handi and Ganesh Visarjan. You are spared of one more horror: the smell of human shit, especially when travelling by a local. Smell of cow-dung is much tolerable in comparison.

I also hate the street food of Mumbai, because it has deceived me. I was told that it is unhealthy and makes you fat. I am extremely under-weight and maybe that is why I just heard the latter part. But in reality, it just made me unhealthy.

The sight of young couples cuddling with each other and talking romantically in public spaces of Mumbai also makes me sick. I get jealous of them, because I am single myself and can have no such fun. It’s better in our village where you can’t even talk with a girl in private, even if she is your girlfriend.

I also like the fact that my village folk don’t have to go marching to the Gateway of India to light up candles and then take the photos to post on Facebook. They never get such a chance, because they are underprivileged for terrorists too.

Why Were Women Banned from Going to Market and Using Mobiles in UP?

A Khap Panchayat in western UP named Baghpat has ordered that women can not go to market till the age of 40. Women are also banned from using mobile phones. Let the media say whatever it wants, here are the real reasons behind this decision:

  • In rural areas, market is a filthy space, especially in Monsoon. The decision is actually a way to keep women away from diseases.
  • It is also a measure to keep the decibel at the marketplace at a minimum, as you can imagine the noise level when so many women gather at a place at the same time.
  • Apparently, the Panchayat was also not happy with the regular fights between the women and the vegetable vendors over a rupee or two. (The women would try to save their precious pennies to spend on essential commodities such as Fair and Lovely cream and lipstick.)
  • The Baghpat area has a few things in common with Wasseypur, where as you know ‘kabutar ek pankh se udta aur dusre pakh se apni ijjat bachata hai’. Sadly, women have no wings.
  • The reason the women are not allowed to use mobile phones is again for their own safety. Many reports have been published till now which state that the use of mobile phone causes cancer. It doesn’t matter if these reports are as credible as Poonam Pandey announcing a new Bollywood project. Why take a risk?
  • Women are also as adept in the use of technology as Tushar Kapoor is at acting. The Khap Panchayat thinks that it’s better both are kept away from the respective things.
  • The mobile phones had also reportedly led to more bitching as women could now talk with not only their neighbors, but also their relatives and acquaintances at any moment of time.

I hope you are now acquainted with the noble thoughts behind the decision of the Khap Panchayat and I think it is our duty to support them whole-heartedly.

Finding the G-Spot of Poonam Pandey

There are number of ways to get famous. There is a Obama way and then there is a Osama way. And then there is the third one: Poonam Pandey way!

Sex sells and no one knows it better than Poonam Pandey. But that does not mean you become a whore or a pornstar. Sunny Leone became famous only after she entered the Big Boss house.

Then how do you do it? Simple! Just titillate people, through your words and your actions and make the most noise about it. This is what Poonam Pandey does.

When Higgs boson or so-called God particle was found, she tweeted, “What’s the big deal in finding God Particle… dare them to find the G-spot !” It also made headlines, as our media is always hungry for masala news.

Poonam Pandey is an icon of soft porn. Sexual desire is the strongest desire in a human being and she is manipulating it very well. Her goal is to enter Bollywood. But sadly pornstar Sunny Leone has trumped her for now. Hard porn has won over soft porn for the time being.

Poonam Pandey is certainly not a blonde, neither in her features nor in her IQ. She is actually very smart. She very well knows what she is doing. Her thoughts are clear. Her goals are clear. And she is doing her best to achieve them. I wish her all the best.